It has been almost a year since my mom passed, and it hasn't really gotten any easier to digest. Today, we have orientation for the kids' school. Last year, I couldn't go to orientation because mom was in a hospital bed, living out the last of her days. It will be one year on August 5th. The kids started school that day. It's an association I wish I did not have because it makes it harder for me today.
TJ will be entering Middle School, 7th grade. I can't believe it. SEVENTH GRADE. Time flies. He is tall - super tall. He grew two inches in two months, and earlier this year, went through two sizes in one month. He now wears adult sizes. He's around the 5'7" mark. I'm 5'11 (not counting the fact that I have already shrunk in height, and refuse to accept this), and he will be as tall as I am before I know it. His feet are already bigger than mine and I wear a women's size 11 or 12.
Katherine and Lauren are starting 2nd grade. We are keeping them in the same class because it is just easier when it comes to homework. Kindergarten was two separate classes, and it made homework complete hell. Lauren always got a ton more than Katie, and she felt it was unfair.
Unfair - Lauren's mantra. Everything is unfair in her world. I am always reminding the kids that life isn't full of equality - things are not always fair, but I try my hardest to make it fair for them.
This summer was fun, and although it doesn't seem like it was long enough, I am ready for school to start on Monday.
We rented a great beach house at Carillon Beach in Panama City Beach, FL. It was absolutely exquisite. We were accustomed to staying in a condo at Pinnacle Port, which is in the same gated community as Carillon. Last year, it was just such a huge pain in the ass. We plan on going again next year, and will probably stay in the same house if we can squeeze the funds out for it. Our tax return paid for our vacation this year, and am hoping for the same next year. We invited friends to come along with us, and I am glad, because the beach house was too glorious to not have friends enjoy it with us.
A lot has happened over the past month, and I am trying my hardest to deal with these changes. They are good changes, but changes take time to get used to.
Tim changes jobs and the company he is now working for did not have a negotiated health plan, and instead pointed us to the Health Market. NONE of our doctors were covered under any plans. Tim really wanted this job, and I supported him entirely. With the change, we had to secure our own private plan and it is so much more expensive doing this, that it is a huge adjustment to our monthly bills. The raise covers most of it. MOST. The next few months will determine what kind of budget we will have to live with until I get a job.
Since my last post was July 2010, let's have a recap.
In early 2011, mom lost her house because of her medical bills. The upkeep of anti-rejection drugs and subsequent illnesses left a huge hit on her financially. Tim and I told her she should move in with us, and she did.
The next thing I remember is the April 2011 tornado outbreak. We went a week without power, I missed the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. Mom and I had a huge fight, and well, it was just pure freaking hell.
In early June 2011, everything went downhill for mom. She was acting strangely one evening, and even Tim said something about it. The next morning, she was losing her mind. I was afraid she had another stroke. We called 911 and got her to the hospital. Her leg turned bright red and the time between her arriving at the ER and being admitted, she was incoherent. She has an infection that was affecting her brain. She was in MICU (I think that's right) for a while and we thought this was the end. She told me she saw her mother in a light and her mom yelled for her to go back. She did. what followed was hell.
The infection on her leg was tested and tested, and there was a Strep infection on her skin, but it turned into necrotizing fasciitis. Don't Google that. Don't look at the pictures. Basically her skin was eaten by the infection and it looked like Zombie flesh. That's all you need to know.
If you knew my mom, you knew that she had a stroke when I was 20. It left her with paralysis on her left side. She couldn't move her arm below the shoulder and needed a foot brace to walk. She continued working at NASA, typing with one hand, and doing the best she could. The infection was on her bad leg. There was no saving it, and she had to have an above-the-knee amputation.
When she was released from the hospital, she spent time in a nursing home. I hated her being there. She hated being there. She got sick again and had to be admitted to the hospital. My aunt Nancy, an RN, told me she wanted to care for mother. She did for four months, before she had to go back to the hospital. During her stay at Nancy's, mom had in-home physical therapy to try to get her to a point in which she could move and function on her own. She wasn't the best patient and often put it off, citing how badly she felt all the time. When she went back to the hospital, Nancy said she could no longer care for mom. It was hell for her. Understandably.
She ended up at Health South for about six weeks before she came home to me, and I spent the next six months trying to care for her. This was early 2012. We hired a CNA to care for her when I couldn't, as I was going back to school and needed someone to do things I just couldn't do. Even with the CNA, caring for mom, the stress of juggling her needs, my family, and school was so great that I literally lost my mind on more than one occasion. I've never felt so incredibly out-of-my-mind as I did caring for her.
While at my home, she resisted a lot of therapy. She did not do the therapy she needed to do. The doctors told me that her brain wasn't the same as it was before she got sick, and perhaps that had a lot to do with her attitude towards the situation as a whole. All in all, she had basically accepted the fact that she was bound to her bed, but caring for her made me feel like a slave. I hated feeling that way, but from fights about how her coffee was too cold or had too much or not enough creamer, and food she didn't like, etc., it was just a bad situation for our relationship.
After caring for her for six months or so, she entered into a Nursing Home, and then we moved her to a closer nursing home. In July 2014, her kidney started shutting down. She was admitted to the hospital again, refused to undergo rounds of dialysis again (transporting her to and from would be an impossible task), and she decided to let go of life.
I had enrolled in classes for Fall 2014, but dropped them after I could. I just couldn't handle the stress of dealing with issues and school. In fact, I am STILL dealing with issues surrounding her MetLife insurance. I won't even go into that, but I DO NOT RECOMMEND MetLife for a life insurance policy.
The Future
I am going back to school to complete my degree, which I changed from Liberal Studies to Sociology. I really look forward to the change. I am taking four classes, which I've done before, and it will be a lot of work, but I am ready to MOVE FORWARD and get this degree taken care of.
Tim is also enrolled in classes and hopefully will have his degree finished in a couple of years.
Reflection
Since mother's passing, I know she is with me. She sends messages my way, and I hear them. Those who love us and are no longer inhabit their Earthly bodies, remain with us.
I've also learned there nothing that can fill that hole. Every person who loved me the way a parent does, my mom, my grandparents, are gone.
I have Tim and my children, and very close friends that make that hole bearable to live with. It has been hard to come to the realization that the close family moments I experienced as a child are in the past, and I can't expect those moments to repeat at this moment in my life. I have family in town, but we aren't really close. They have their own life, their own grievances, their own hurdles. I can call on them for help when I really need it, but sometimes I feel like we might as well be living half a world away. My family and even Tim's family that lives nearby have little to no interaction with my children. I wish things were different, but it is what it is. If I had the power to change the connection I have with my family, my mother's siblings, and nieces and nephews, I would. It isn't how I thought it would be, how I wished things would be, and again, it is what it is. Ultimately, I wanted for my children what I had... Grandparents to spoil them, to be close to, and cousins to be close with. Nope. That wasn't a part of the plan.
Last Thanksgiving I did invite family here to the house because I know that's what Mom wanted. It was nice, but short-lived.
However, there were people in my life I had to discontinue our relationship. It includes a lot of drama, and my heart being broken. It left me extremely protective of who I let into my life. Tim and I have made new friends, and it is amazing how much I've allowed myself to love them like family. We see them often, having them over for game nights, going on vacation together, and my kids love them like family. Our friends treat them like family. I relish that in ways only my heart can express.
I still have one close friend, Stephanie, that has remained true. We don't talk a lot, we don't see each other often, and her life has had its own ups and downs - but she is forever a sister to me. A friend that I am blessed to have in my life. Someone who doesn't play games, is honest, and it's a mutual friendship with no tally on who did what for whom.
So, ultimately - your family is who you make family. It doesn't rely on a blood-tie that is traditionally what "family" is. Family is those who love you for all your faults, and makes sure they continue to be a part of your life even with life is full of other crap.
Some people have nothing, but the Towle Family has love, friendship, and support from people who love us. That's what makes the heart keep going when the going gets tough.
